And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
