Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
