Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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