So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
