I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
