I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
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Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
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I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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