I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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