Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
