everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
