We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
