Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
