Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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