You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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