My nipple is on Facebook.
Soap is not a condiment
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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