Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
