the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
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Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
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My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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