1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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