We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
