so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
