pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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