You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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