i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
