No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I am midnight drunk by noon
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
