theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
