Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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