And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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