i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
