Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
