I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
