ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You need a sexual gate keeper
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
