Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
