I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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