I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
