those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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