my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
