He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
