if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
