My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
