Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
