I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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