I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
