My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
she pinky promised me she was 18
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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