never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
