there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
