im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
