quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
