White coat. Heels.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
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I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
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I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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