you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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