I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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