no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
