Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
