if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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