Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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