If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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