"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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