I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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