I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
